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> Joke Thread, ...just jokes, no comments allowed...
Ang
post Dec 1 2008, 12:05 PM
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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"



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Southsider2k12
post Dec 1 2008, 12:14 PM
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One day fans of all of the Chicago sports teams decide to climb a mountain together. As they get to the top of the slope, they realize that they have forgotten to bring enough food for all to survive the trip back down. They only have enough food and supplies for one of them. They all start trying to decide who should sacrifice themselves for the good of the one.

After a while the Blackhawks fan saids, "I can commit to the Indian the way they would want it..." and jumps off of the peak.

The remaining four continue staring at each other.

Then the Bears fan pipes up "Dis is for Da Coach!", and jumps off of the mountain.

The group is down to three, and the stares are getting downright nasty.

Out of no where the Bulls fan screams "This is for the greatest player of all time!" and jumps off of the mountain.

The last two remaining are the White Sox fan and the Cubs fan. The Cubs fan nervously chimes in. "You know I can out last you Sox fan, we have suffered for a century. A few days on the side of a mountain is nothing."

The Sox fan gets a scared look on his face. "You know you are right Cubs fan... This is for the whole SOUTH SIDE!" With that he gets up and shoves the Cub fan off of the mountain.
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JHeath
post Dec 1 2008, 11:54 PM
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...'You just happened to catch my eye!!!!'
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Tim
post Dec 2 2008, 02:14 AM
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A couple walks into a restaurant -

Guy: Table for two, please.

Waiter: Did you have reservations?

Guy: Yes - but we came anyway.

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Roger Kaputnik
post Dec 4 2008, 10:13 AM
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Yo mama is so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!


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Ang
post Dec 4 2008, 10:38 AM
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Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Things

Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke, things go better with Coke.


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Homey
post Dec 10 2008, 07:53 AM
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How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know this is an old one, and most of you must surely have already seen it, but it still makes me laugh..


How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.



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Roger Kaputnik
post Dec 10 2008, 08:20 AM
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A young, newlywed couple decided to give up sex for Lent. To make it easier to resist temptation over the 40 days, they slept in separate, locked bedrooms. They endured it, and finally! Easter morning came, the sun breaking over the horizon, and the end of Lent.

The young bride awoke to the sound of loud pounding on her locked door: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Oh, Honey," she said, "I know what you're knocking for."

"Yes," her husband answered from out in the hall, "but do you know what I'm knocking with?"


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Tim
post Dec 10 2008, 09:53 PM
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Good one, Rog!

What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.
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jb9152
post Dec 10 2008, 10:34 PM
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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.
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Homey
post Dec 11 2008, 07:34 PM
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This is from one of my Aussie friends!

In the beginning god created day and night. He created day for football matches, going to the beach and BBQ's

He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the rugby tests, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the rugby, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with
. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...

Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!


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Roger Kaputnik
post Dec 13 2008, 03:15 PM
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Father of the Child

A guy goes to Al's and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She walks over, says hello. He is rather taken aback because he cannot place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

She replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids!"

Now his minds travels back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Are you the stripper from that bachelor party? On the pool table? The wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I am your son's teacher."


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Ang
post Dec 16 2008, 05:33 PM
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."



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Tim
post Dec 17 2008, 05:22 AM
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When I worked in Hollywood I used to help new students find things and stores. One kid asked if I knew where he could get some film. My response?

"Yeah - try not brushing for a week!"

I'm a riot!
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Tom Burns
post Dec 17 2008, 08:40 AM
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In the spirit of the holiday season...

Ron Santos was en route to Chicago from Cubs spring training when he learned there was an additional exhibition game to be played in Virginia.
In protest he took the matter to his attorney who researched Santos' contract and then told Santos: "Yes Santos there is a Virginia clause."
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Ang
post Dec 17 2008, 02:11 PM
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Three Texans were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa and told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second guy had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was going to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but by the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes done, and a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a woman from Wyoming. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table every night. The first and second day he couldn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye-- enough to fix a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.


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lovethiscity
post Dec 17 2008, 11:00 PM
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I was driving to Indy, with Jenny H. Disrupting what was a pleasant ride came a scream from Jenny "STOP". I slammed on the brakes and pulled over, asking her what was wrong she pointed to the middle of a corn field. Sitting in a row boat was a blonde. She was rowing furiously and going nowhere. Jenny a bit incensed started yelling "It's blondes like you that give women a bad name...... and if I could swim I would be out there kicking your a_ _!!!!"
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Tim
post Dec 19 2008, 02:43 AM
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I was at the Hard Rock Cafe in Tokyo in the summer. They had a magician - he came around and said "Has anyone every seen magic performed before?" I said "I watched my ex-wife make half my equity disappear. So if that counts, then yes."

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Tom Burns
post Dec 29 2008, 10:56 AM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzQWXGT1Z60...re=channel_page
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Ang
post May 21 2009, 01:26 PM
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no... I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. You see, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


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