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Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Nov 21 2008, 09:30 AM

Chaudhary, the landlord: Hey, what happened to your head?

Khan, the Pathan gardner: Well, Sahib, I was coming back from Peshawar, and the darn cart I got a ride in had a nail sticking out of the sideboard. We hit every rut in the road and bounced all over, and every time the cart jostled, the nail poked my head and scratched me up.

Chaudhary: Why didn't you trade seats with someone?

Khan: There was no one else on the cart!

Posted by: CaddyRich Nov 21 2008, 10:19 AM

I need a ruling, please...
Can I use the s-word (crap, poop, you know) only because it helps the joke?
Thanks, my wrinkled cortexed, free speech friends.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Nov 21 2008, 10:41 AM

In my opinion, that is fine.

Admin, is it possible to edit this thread to eliminate any comments like post #2 and this one?

Also, for future reference, in a joke thread we assume there will be language and situations not discussed in mixed company. It is ok here.

Posted by: Ang Nov 21 2008, 11:25 AM

I'm okay with that. And yes, we can delete posts or edit them if we need to, but you know we don't like to do that. Free speech and all.....

May I suggest that off color words have some letters substituted with symbols, such as "sh*t"?

Posted by: southsider2k7 Nov 21 2008, 11:29 AM

QUOTE(Ang @ Nov 21 2008, 11:25 AM)

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Nov 21 2008, 12:04 PM

Sure, but please, no more comments--only jokes.

Posted by: Ang Nov 21 2008, 12:26 PM

Two blonds are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
The first blond looks down and says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blond says, "Nuh-uh, they're bear tracks."
And they both got hit by the train.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Nov 21 2008, 12:42 PM

Yo mama is so fat she has to haul ass with both hands!

Posted by: CaddyRich Nov 21 2008, 01:10 PM

An old blind man was sitting on a street in Jerusalem, begging for help. A man walks by, and seeing the old Jew's plight, hands him a piece of matzoh. The beggar takes it in his hands and begins to laugh, asking,
"Who wrote this shit?"

Posted by: Tim Nov 21 2008, 04:53 PM

A duck walks into a pharmacy - says "Give me some chapstick - and put it on my bill."

Posted by: Tim Nov 21 2008, 05:03 PM

From The Great Carnac

Carnac: The answer - specimen.

Ed. McMahon: Specimen

Carnac: THe question - what do you call an Italian astronaut?

Posted by: Tim Nov 21 2008, 10:28 PM

A horse walks into a bar - bartender comes over and says so - why the long face?

Posted by: Tim Nov 21 2008, 11:19 PM

QUOTE(Roger Kaputnik @ Nov 21 2008, 01:04 PM)

Posted by: CaddyRich Nov 22 2008, 12:54 PM

A sandwich walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

Posted by: ANH27 Nov 22 2008, 09:16 PM

Three blondes walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Posted by: Ang Nov 23 2008, 02:09 AM

Three strings are walking down the street one summer day. They get hot and thirsty and decide to go for a beer. The walk for a while before they find a bar and are really thirsty. There's a sign on the door that says, "No strings allowed"
The first one says, "I know I can talk him into it. Give me a second..." and he goes inside. A couple minutes later he comes back out and says, "No dice, guys. That guy is tough."
The second one says, "Well, I'm a charmer, I'll talk him into it." and he goes inside. Just a few minutes later he comes flying out the door and says, "You ain't kidding! That guy IS tough!"
The third string decides he will try a different tactic. He gets himself all bunched up in a knot, floofs out his top half and goes inside. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for a cold draught. The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?" and the string says, "Nope, I'm frayed knot."

Posted by: The_Mikester Nov 29 2008, 11:37 PM

OK, forgive me if you heard this one...

This guy is walking along a trail next to a cliff... Walking... Walking... Suddenly he falls over the cliff! Screaming and grabbing at the air he suddenly grabs hold of a small branch sticking out of the cliff! Hanging there on the side of the cliff he sizes up his predicament.... "Hellllp! Helllllllp!" he shouts. He suddenly hears a voice from the heavens, "Hello!" "Who's that?" he asks. "God" comes the reply. "Do you trust me?" God asks. "Yes Lord, of course I do!" he replies... "Then let go!" God says.....

He asks "Uhhhhh..... Is there anyone else up there?"

Posted by: lovethiscity Nov 30 2008, 02:32 PM

A skeleton walks in a bar and says "Can I get a beer and a mop"

Posted by: Homey Dec 1 2008, 08:30 AM

Women Who Read


A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day madam", and he left.............

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Dec 1 2008, 10:17 AM

Three Board Administrators go into a bar, laughing, celebrating, and happy as can be. After ordering a couple rounds of drinks, and continuing their exuberant celebration, they got the bartender's curiosity up.

He comes over to their table, and says, "You seem pretty happy about something and celebrating well. Can I ask why?"

"Well, of course," one answered, "just to get a break from all the pinheads posting, we have been getting together to work puzzles. Well, we finally finished our first one, and it only took six weeks! and on the box, it says 'four to seven years!'"

Posted by: Ang Dec 1 2008, 12:05 PM

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Posted by: southsider2k7 Dec 1 2008, 12:14 PM

One day fans of all of the Chicago sports teams decide to climb a mountain together. As they get to the top of the slope, they realize that they have forgotten to bring enough food for all to survive the trip back down. They only have enough food and supplies for one of them. They all start trying to decide who should sacrifice themselves for the good of the one.

After a while the Blackhawks fan saids, "I can commit to the Indian the way they would want it..." and jumps off of the peak.

The remaining four continue staring at each other.

Then the Bears fan pipes up "Dis is for Da Coach!", and jumps off of the mountain.

The group is down to three, and the stares are getting downright nasty.

Out of no where the Bulls fan screams "This is for the greatest player of all time!" and jumps off of the mountain.

The last two remaining are the White Sox fan and the Cubs fan. The Cubs fan nervously chimes in. "You know I can out last you Sox fan, we have suffered for a century. A few days on the side of a mountain is nothing."

The Sox fan gets a scared look on his face. "You know you are right Cubs fan... This is for the whole SOUTH SIDE!" With that he gets up and shoves the Cub fan off of the mountain.

Posted by: JHeath Dec 1 2008, 11:54 PM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...'You just happened to catch my eye!!!!'

Posted by: Tim Dec 2 2008, 02:14 AM

A couple walks into a restaurant -

Guy: Table for two, please.

Waiter: Did you have reservations?

Guy: Yes - but we came anyway.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Dec 4 2008, 10:13 AM

Yo mama is so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!

Posted by: Ang Dec 4 2008, 10:38 AM

Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Things

Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke, things go better with Coke.

Posted by: Homey Dec 10 2008, 07:53 AM

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i know this is an old one, and most of you must surely have already seen it, but it still makes me laugh..


How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Dec 10 2008, 08:20 AM

A young, newlywed couple decided to give up sex for Lent. To make it easier to resist temptation over the 40 days, they slept in separate, locked bedrooms. They endured it, and finally! Easter morning came, the sun breaking over the horizon, and the end of Lent.

The young bride awoke to the sound of loud pounding on her locked door: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Oh, Honey," she said, "I know what you're knocking for."

"Yes," her husband answered from out in the hall, "but do you know what I'm knocking with?"

Posted by: Tim Dec 10 2008, 09:53 PM

Good one, Rog!

What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Posted by: jb9152 Dec 10 2008, 10:34 PM

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan.

Posted by: Homey Dec 11 2008, 07:34 PM

This is from one of my Aussie friends!

In the beginning god created day and night. He created day for football matches, going to the beach and BBQ's

He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQ's on the beach ,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the rugby tests, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the rugby, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with
. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes,and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...

Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik Dec 13 2008, 03:15 PM

Posted by: Ang Dec 16 2008, 05:33 PM

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Posted by: Tim Dec 17 2008, 05:22 AM

When I worked in Hollywood I used to help new students find things and stores. One kid asked if I knew where he could get some film. My response?

"Yeah - try not brushing for a week!"

I'm a riot!

Posted by: Tom Burns Dec 17 2008, 08:40 AM

In the spirit of the holiday season...

Ron Santos was en route to Chicago from Cubs spring training when he learned there was an additional exhibition game to be played in Virginia.
In protest he took the matter to his attorney who researched Santos' contract and then told Santos: "Yes Santos there is a Virginia clause."

Posted by: Ang Dec 17 2008, 02:11 PM

Three Texans were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa and told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second guy had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was going to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but by the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes done, and a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a woman from Wyoming. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table every night. The first and second day he couldn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye-- enough to fix a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Posted by: lovethiscity Dec 17 2008, 11:00 PM

I was driving to Indy, with Jenny H. Disrupting what was a pleasant ride came a scream from Jenny "STOP". I slammed on the brakes and pulled over, asking her what was wrong she pointed to the middle of a corn field. Sitting in a row boat was a blonde. She was rowing furiously and going nowhere. Jenny a bit incensed started yelling "It's blondes like you that give women a bad name...... and if I could swim I would be out there kicking your a_ _!!!!"

Posted by: Tim Dec 19 2008, 02:43 AM

I was at the Hard Rock Cafe in Tokyo in the summer. They had a magician - he came around and said "Has anyone every seen magic performed before?" I said "I watched my ex-wife make half my equity disappear. So if that counts, then yes."

Posted by: Tom Burns Dec 29 2008, 10:56 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzQWXGT1Z60&feature=channel_page

Posted by: Ang May 21 2009, 01:26 PM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the cab driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no... I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. You see, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Posted by: Tim May 24 2009, 02:29 AM

Bob goes to see a female urologist. She tells Bob "Well, you really have to stop masurbating". Bob asks why - she says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Posted by: Ang May 24 2009, 05:35 PM

And then there was the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra

Posted by: Tim May 25 2009, 08:29 PM

I used to help our new students in Hollywood find things - one kid asked my if I knew where he could get some film. I said try not brushing for a week!

Another time I was eating with a co-worker - another co-worker comes up and says Can I join you guys? I said I don't know - do you have any surgical thread?

She: But will you respect me in the morning?
He: I don't respect you now.

I'm here all week - try the veal!

Posted by: Tim May 27 2009, 06:33 PM

My first wife nailed me with this one. We'd been watching Clash Of The Titans with the whole "Go - and fulfill your destiny" thing - So after dinner -

Me: Why don't you wash the dishe and fulfill your destiny?

Her: Why don't you kiss my ass and fulfill yours?

Good times indeed.

Posted by: Tom Burns Aug 3 2010, 09:58 AM

A University of Chicago type math joke: "Generation of a table of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."

Posted by: Ang Aug 5 2010, 09:06 AM

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

Posted by: taxthedeer Aug 5 2010, 01:12 PM

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side of course.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts.

Posted by: Tim Aug 5 2010, 06:29 PM

Bob's been coming in late - out gambling and drinking every night. His wife becomes tired of such antics. One night she's waiting at the door as he staggers in at 2AM.

Ruth: If you come home late and drunk one more time you'll be sorry you ever met me.

Bob: I'm already sorry.

Posted by: Tom Burns Aug 14 2010, 03:22 AM

From St. Louis Cardinals website:


A Cardinal fan was walking on the beach alongside the Mississippi River when he spied a golden lamp. Upon picking the lamp up and wiping it off, a genie appeared and promised to grant him ONE wish. Upon contemplation, the Cardinal fans said,"Well if only one wish is all I get, I wish to live forever". Oh no the Genie said, I cannot grant that wish for it woulf mean I would have to make you immortal and that is against the rules. Well the Cardinal fan thought it over and came up with a different wish. He asked the Genie what if he wished to live until the Cubs win a World Series.....would that be OK? The Genie said sure, that would be alright. So the Cardinal fan got his original wish cuz the Genie knew nuthin about the Cubs and their possibilities of winning a World Series.

Posted by: taxthedeer Aug 15 2010, 07:23 AM

Went out to Municipal yesterday morning to play a round of golf. Got out on the second hole and hit my two best balls, stepped on a rake...

Posted by: taxthedeer Mar 23 2014, 04:08 PM

Q. What's the difference between a University of Kentucky cheerleader and a catfish?

A. One smells and has whiskers and the other one is a fish.

Posted by: CaddyRich Mar 24 2014, 03:25 PM

After last call at the bar, Jim says to Bob, "You gotta see my new apartment." Upon arriving at Jim's place, Bob asks to use the bathroom. Stumbling down the hallway, he passes Jim's bedroom to find a huge brass gong in the corner. Bob asks, "Wh..what's with that?" Jim says, "It...it's mmm...my talking clock! Listen!" Jim proceeds to bang the gong.

Suddenly a voice from the next apartment shouts, "What are you doing a-hole! It's three o'clock in the morning!!!"