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> Joke Thread, ...just jokes, no comments allowed...
Tim
post May 24 2009, 02:29 AM
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Bob goes to see a female urologist. She tells Bob "Well, you really have to stop masurbating". Bob asks why - she says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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Ang
post May 24 2009, 05:35 PM
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And then there was the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra


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Tim
post May 25 2009, 08:29 PM
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I used to help our new students in Hollywood find things - one kid asked my if I knew where he could get some film. I said try not brushing for a week!

Another time I was eating with a co-worker - another co-worker comes up and says Can I join you guys? I said I don't know - do you have any surgical thread?

She: But will you respect me in the morning?
He: I don't respect you now.

I'm here all week - try the veal!

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Tim
post May 27 2009, 06:33 PM
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My first wife nailed me with this one. We'd been watching Clash Of The Titans with the whole "Go - and fulfill your destiny" thing - So after dinner -

Me: Why don't you wash the dishe and fulfill your destiny?

Her: Why don't you kiss my ass and fulfill yours?

Good times indeed.
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Tom Burns
post Aug 3 2010, 09:58 AM
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A University of Chicago type math joke: "Generation of a table of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."
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Ang
post Aug 5 2010, 09:06 AM
Post #46


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A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....


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taxthedeer
post Aug 5 2010, 01:12 PM
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side of course.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts.
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Tim
post Aug 5 2010, 06:29 PM
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Bob's been coming in late - out gambling and drinking every night. His wife becomes tired of such antics. One night she's waiting at the door as he staggers in at 2AM.

Ruth: If you come home late and drunk one more time you'll be sorry you ever met me.

Bob: I'm already sorry.

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Tom Burns
post Aug 14 2010, 03:22 AM
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From St. Louis Cardinals website:


A Cardinal fan was walking on the beach alongside the Mississippi River when he spied a golden lamp. Upon picking the lamp up and wiping it off, a genie appeared and promised to grant him ONE wish. Upon contemplation, the Cardinal fans said,"Well if only one wish is all I get, I wish to live forever". Oh no the Genie said, I cannot grant that wish for it woulf mean I would have to make you immortal and that is against the rules. Well the Cardinal fan thought it over and came up with a different wish. He asked the Genie what if he wished to live until the Cubs win a World Series.....would that be OK? The Genie said sure, that would be alright. So the Cardinal fan got his original wish cuz the Genie knew nuthin about the Cubs and their possibilities of winning a World Series.
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taxthedeer
post Aug 15 2010, 07:23 AM
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Went out to Municipal yesterday morning to play a round of golf. Got out on the second hole and hit my two best balls, stepped on a rake... ohmy.gif ohmy.gif
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taxthedeer
post Mar 23 2014, 04:08 PM
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Q. What's the difference between a University of Kentucky cheerleader and a catfish?

A. One smells and has whiskers and the other one is a fish.
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CaddyRich
post Mar 24 2014, 03:25 PM
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After last call at the bar, Jim says to Bob, "You gotta see my new apartment." Upon arriving at Jim's place, Bob asks to use the bathroom. Stumbling down the hallway, he passes Jim's bedroom to find a huge brass gong in the corner. Bob asks, "Wh..what's with that?" Jim says, "It...it's mmm...my talking clock! Listen!" Jim proceeds to bang the gong.

Suddenly a voice from the next apartment shouts, "What are you doing a-hole! It's three o'clock in the morning!!!"

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"If a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." - Duke of Edinburgh.
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